In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
