youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
