are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
