i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
