1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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