...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
