just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers