The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.