I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
