by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
