Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
