Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
