Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
