I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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