He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
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Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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