Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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