maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
