If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
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My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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