I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
