Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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