he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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