me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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