I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
