bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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