Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
