Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
