remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
