And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
