can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize