mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
