Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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