Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
