i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
