yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
