textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
