Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
