I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
