my room smells like sperm. sweet.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
