I wish my penis had an off switch
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
