Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
