i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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