we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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