He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
