New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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the gays at disneyland are vicious
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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