why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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