ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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