I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
