Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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