I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
