I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
