I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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