Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
