Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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