guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
